Walking The Gauntlet

The rule in carving holds good as to criticism; never cut with a knife what you can cut with a spoon.
Charles Buxton

I was 15 and in grade 10 at Beaconsfield High school in St. John’s Newfoundland, and we were studying a book called “Death on the Ice”, which was a book about the great Newfoundland sealing disaster of 1914. My project was to read the book and then write a book report and present it to the whole class. Sounds simple, right? Well, what happened radically changed my self image and confidence.

The day came for me to deliver my presentation to the class. I was prepared. I had charts and photos, and quotes from the book all put on a piece of bristol board and arranged in chronological order so that it would be easy to follow. I was in class early and had everything arranged on the front table so that all I would have to do would be to walk to the front and start my speech which I had written a week before. I was anxious, but ready to deliver my talk.

The teacher walked in the class, looked over my work on the board, arranged a scowl on her face and told me to get up and start my presentation. Walking through a barrage of whistles and jaunts, I hesitatingly moved my way to the front of the room, written speech in hand. Nervously, and in a small voice, I started to speak. “Speak up!” I heard her declare, so I cleared my throat and spoke louder. “Stand up straight!” I heard her say next, so I sucked in my stomach and pushed up my shoulders, and still I kept talking. “What is wrong with you? Can’t you keep still and stop fidgeting?” she snapped. It was hard enough for me to deliver my speech to the class, but she was making it impossible for me to do it and have any success at it at all. Finally, a couple of minutes into my speech, she raised her voice above mine and decreed, “Mr. Kearley, sit down in your place, you are useless at this.” I stood there totally embarrassed and dumbfounded at her words and stared at her in disbelief. “You heard me, sit down”, she spit out again, this time with a tinge of venom that totally silenced me and the room. The walk back to my chair was like walking a gauntlet. It was only 20 feet, but it took forever as I walked through the snickers and stares of my classmates. I’ll never forget how defeated and crushed I felt that day, as every bit of self confidence that I had, had been torn from me and laid open for everyone to step on and stare at. As I sat in my chair, while other people gave their presentations, I vowed that I would never again give a speech to anyone for as long as I lived. Even today, 30 years later, when I close my eyes and remember that scene, I can still feel the heat rising on the back of my neck, and feel the anger and embarrassment that I felt as I sat back down in my chair. Isn’t it funny, that today, the thing that I enjoy most about my work, is the feeling that I get from working with, and speaking to groups of people.

While this was a painful experience, it has also become one of my best learning and defining moments. The defining lesson or belief that I take from the humiliation that I felt is this: Never again will I let someone control how I feel or how I see myself in my own eyes.

We all do it, yet we all despise it and the messenger both when it is delivered to our own doorsteps. If someone doesn’t agree with us or our ideas, some people are always there to “correct” them, whether they want correcting or not. Then, when we speak up about the injustices of the critical comments, the criticizer says that we don’t understand them. Whose fault is that? Often though, we do ask for criticism, when what we really want is praise! I’m not saying that criticism in unwanted or not needed, because without it, change rarely happens, what I am saying is that we really should pay attention to what it is that we have chosen to criticize about, and the long term effects that it can have on other people. I can tell you about many times when I have taken it upon myself to criticize people without thinking about the consequences, or even asking if the other person wants my thoughts, only to find a very real coolness develop in the relationship. I can even tell you about a relationship that died many years ago, the very instant that I took it upon myself to criticize that other person.

In order for all to win when criticizing, the most important thing to keep in mind is to look at things from the other person’s point of view and to really get a clear understanding of what that person feels about the certain subject and why. It is much more productive to ask them why, than it is to tell them why. What I am saying is simply this: when we ask we have the advantage of understanding, but without it, we are just guessing. Myself, I would rather have someone understand me by being interested and asking questions rather than tell me what he or she thinks I should be saying or feeling, without any conversation.

This week, please resist the urge to tell someone what you think they should be doing without their asking you for it. Why not strengthen your relationship with that person by listening to them and getting to know them better? Maybe they have a better way that you are not aware of yet. If you keep in mind the feelings that you experienced when you yourself received an unjust criticism, there is a good chance that you won’t be tempted to criticize and you will be open to understanding.

Make this your best week ever!
Paul

Article Source: http://www.new.citynewslive.com

For 22 years, Paul Kearley has thrived in the personal development and coaching business. As a Master Coach for the past 10 years, Paul’s passion is in developing and creating increased potential with both clients and other trainers. A columnist for two newspapers in Eastern Canada, and editor for his own weekly ezine, Paul writes articles that address the everyday challenges we all have and face in life and in business, and offers suggestions for success. If you’d like to connect with Paul or subscribe to “E-Motion” his weekly ezine, simply goto the web site at www.mustfactor.com or by calling 506 433 4722.

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