Coping With Rape: A Husband's Journey

When husbands deal with rape the pain is manifested in a different way then the victim herself. Husbands deal with a staggering amount of fear, shame, denial, anger, aggression, and oftentimes rage. If you are a husband of a rape victim there are some very basic steps that will not only help you, but also your partner. The feelings described above are normal feelings for a person in your position.

It is important to remember that the recovery time is at the victims’ discretion. And expressing yourself with a comment such as, “why can’t you just get over it,” only tells your wife that you think she is weak. Such comments will inadvertently contribute to depression, lack of self-respect, or a lowered self-confidence.

It is also very important to not spout out “I’ll kill him” although this is a common feeling with men whose wife have been disrespected in such a horrific manner. But trying to punish violence with violence can only worsen her feelings of security.

The recovery process is the longest, nerve racking, and most frightful time a victim will go through. The victim needs to feel protected and secure, but in a respectful and peaceful manner.

The aftermath of the rape will be a very trying time for you both. You will also need to seek out support and counseling to be able to deal with your emotions and concerns for this violation. You have also been violated, so your emotions are normal. Talking through those emotions with a counselor will help tremendously. Or you can call a rape crisis center in your area and ask about classes for spouses of the victim dealing with rape. Husbands can also benefit from the hotlines and rape crisis lines.

Never talk about your feelings about the rape to your spouse; it is best to talk to a friend or relative about aggressive feelings toward the rapist. Unless your spouse has asked you how you are feeling, don’t offer it. When you are speaking to your wife regarding the assault, keep the aggressiveness subdued and allow your words and your answers to be addressed as gently as possible. Your job, for the time being, is to be a wonderful listener.

Remember when your wife has been raped she may not want to have sexual contact for some time. It is imperative for you to wait until she is ready. When the time comes for your wife to feel comfortable with sexual relationship again, keep it as gentle and loving as you possibly can.

During lovemaking, remind her why you love her so much. Embrace her loving as you make love to her. It is also important to talk to her. Any sexual contact after a rape will cause her to flashback. Keep talking to her or whispering softly in her ear. This way she will hear your voice and know it is her husband she is having intercourse with.

These flashbacks may occur during the first few times you are on an intimate level. She may cry out in the middle of intercourse. If she does, remember this is not a reflection of what you are doing. If she becomes hysterical, gently cease the lovemaking and let her know that whenever she is ready you will be there for her. Be sure to let her know it doesn’t matter how much time that will take. Remind her that you will always be there for her and will be there ready for her when the time comes.

While caressing your wife at night, be sure she is made aware of where your arms and hands will be located, such as “Can I put my left arm around you and hold you?” It will be very tough to remember and be understanding to her full emotional problems, but one quick move from you on a certain part of her body may setoff a flashback.

It is also important that men never make the assumption that they could have stopped it or should have stopped it to the victim. There isn’t a way we could be around our spouse 24 hours a day, seven days a week, it’s just not possible.

When speaking with your spouse you can use life experiences you once had. Think back in your life to a crisis or a time when you felt vulnerable or violated and remember what helped you the most. Share the experience with your partner and share the ways that you got through the offense.

For the time being and throughout the recovery process you should assist with routine tasks that are not normally performed by you. The extra assistance with her daily routines will be a helpful and an appreciated gesture.

It is also important for spouses to get educated on the issue of rape. It is an agonizing assault and the more you know about rape the better you will be able to assist your partner through the healing process.

If you want to feel like you are apart of the solution, get involved in charities that are catered to victims of rape. This will also empower you on your journey of recovery. And it is a positive way to show your spouse the depth of your love.

Sometimes a short getaway out of town will give you a much needed break from the depression, and will help the both of you to reconnect to a sense of security

Article Source: http://www.new.citynewslive.com

Rachel McNair is a survivor of rape and is an advocate for Rape Awareness nationwide. Her articles are aimed towards educating men, women, and young women about the crisis of rape. Please visit her website www.rapefacts.info for more information and articles written by Rachel. Rachel also offers no-obligation confidential email counseling. Email her for more information: rapefacts@comcast.net

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